By: Justine Knight
One of the most widely watched road races of our time was Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race for the Cure. In fact, people are still watching replays today.
This point-to-point 5K was created by race director Michael Scott to raise awareness of rabies. The race successfully raised $500. Elizabeth the Stripper was kind enough to accept the check on behalf of Science.
Nearly 14 years later, we’d like to do a deep dive on this race and its athletes.
We’ll start with the GOAT himself, Michael Gary Scott. Michael is the race director and mastermind behind this historic event. From what we know, his experience with road races extends only as far as handing out jello shots at mile 23 of the Steamtown Marathon. Michael seems to lack understanding of race fuel, as proven by his questionable carb loading strategy. Actually, there’s nothing questionable about it. Please do not wolf down fettuccine alfredo minutes before a race.
Speaking of race fuel, runner Dwight Shrute has been seen using energy gels, but only to improve his stamina while making sales. Through this 5K, Dwight’s only priority is keeping up with his lover and competitor Angela Martin. Dwight’s form is stiff and unnatural, much like his cousin’s form. Angela has a more natural gait, and would likely be a strong competitor when not weighed down by the grief of her cat, Sprinkles.
Pam Beasley talks a big game, giving us flashbacks to a young Deena Kastor. Early in her book, Let Your Mind Run, Deena talks about her childhood race strategy: “run as hard as possible.” Pam’s strategy is similar: “I’m gonna start fast. Then I’m gonna run fast in the middle. Then I’m gonna end fast.” But come race day, Pam doesn’t deliver. We can’t help but wonder… How would Karen have done in the race?
Andy Bernard and Kevin Malone were a steady force. Andy, who has walked two marathons, had a strategy to draft behind Kevin. While Kevin cruised along in his business-casual attire, Andy fell behind due to his nipple irritation. We were both surprised and satisfied to see Kevin finish the race seconds before Andy.
The winner of the race was Toby.
This race, like many others, had its share of drama. Upon registering, Creed Bratton (we have reason to believe this is not his real name) registered as 81 years old. We believe this was a ploy to win an age-group award. Unfortunately for Creed, there was no prize money. Furthermore, Creed, Stanley Hudson and Oscar Martinez deserve a DQ after hopping in a cab, having some drinks at a restaurant, then taking the cab straight to the finish line. We can neither confirm nor deny whether they were official finishers.
Finally, just as important to a race as the athletes are the volunteers who make it happen. Thank you to Jan Levinson and Kelly Kapoor for passing out water and… sitting at the finish line.
If you’d like to spend more time thinking about this iconic race, you can take this quiz to see which athlete you are. To all you Toby’s out there, boo.